Pain - No Gain
I woke up early and
realized that it was Saturday morning. As usual, I went out to the garage
for my first cup of coffee. I was dressed in a ratty old pair of shorts,
no shave, shower or for that matter nothing except me and my coffee. Itís
a nice time of day to get your thoughts together since itís so quiet.
After a half cup of coffee I began to look at the Bondmobile. Man, was it
a mess! It had rained for two solid weeks and I donít think that it had
ever looked quiet so bad. Well, almost. It was real bad that time Dave ĎMoFastí
Meaux, Gary ĎWild Maní Johnson and I did the Sunny Beaches pre-drive
down that dirt road.
No, this was worse.
I got another cup of coffee and looked her over again. Well, thatís why
we have Saturdays, perfect time to do the car. I wondered, ĎWhat time is
it?" It was dark outside. No matter, I could close the garage doors
and do the inside of the car. Surely with the garage doors and windows
closed, the neighbors couldnít hear my vacuum.
I decided that this
would be a Class 3 cleaning. Fairly aggressive but not radical. Just for
your info, a Class 1 is the most basic cleaning. Quick wash and dry, check
engine fluids and youíre off in less than an hour. For a Class 2 you add
a brief interior vacuum and wipe down. Class 4 adds leather treatment to
the interior, polish to the rear window, more under car and wheel well
cleaning and a bit of engine compartment stuff. Class 5, well, Iíve
never done a Class 5 but thatís what I think those Concourse people do
(editorial note: yes Warren, this is the kind that results in sore
Never mind all
that. I dropped the garage doors, closed the windows and went to work. The
Bondmobile was so bad that I didnít want to lower the top to do the
interior, it probably would scratch the rear window even with the window
blanket. I set about pulling out all the loose stuff and even went ahead
and emptied the center console and door pockets. I wonít put more than a
half a box of Kleenex in the glove box so that was no problem.
Now I started with
the vacuum but no sooner got started than I realized that it was still too
dark to see it good so I got out the trouble lights [Man, thatís a good
name for those. You never use them unless there is Ö trouble.] I put one
on the side, one hanging from the garage door operator through the
windshield and had a third that I moved around inside. Now I could see
everything! With all that light it really made it easy to get way under
the seats and behind the pedals. In fact, now I could see that I really
did need to do some cleaning around those pedals, I hadnít noticed that
Well, there was
plenty of time now so in I went. I must say I was starting to get into
this. Those pedals really did shine and there is nothing like a little
success to really get you going. Something I hadnít done in a long time
was to pull off the shift boot, pop out the windows and hazard switches.
All kind of gunk gets down those little cracks and Iím sure that in time
they would probably fail as the crud builds up. With all those lights, it
would be real easy to see it all so in I went.
Just as I expected,
full of stuff. Normally Iíd just pull out my air compressor and blow it
out but it was still early and I knew that the compressor going off would
have the neighbors throwing fireballs on me. So I got out my little can of
compressed air that I use on the computer and worked it out with a little
409. Good job! A little more vacuum and I was done there. I had another
coffee (or two) then emptied the trunk and gave it a good vacuuming even
though it really didnít need it.
Dash work was going
just as well. I shined it up and then used some leather treatment on the
leather part of the doors. By now I was a bit tired and real hot from the
lights and stuffy garage so I had another coffee and thought about it.
With all the heat on the seats from the lights, it would be a good time to
go ahead and do the full leather treatment. When I finished my coffee thatís
just what I did. With all those lights it really looked good. No spot was
left undone. Front, back, top and bottom. I even worked a little in that
hard to get area between the console and the seat. That finished the
inside (except of course the windows.)
Now it was starting
to get a little light outside. ĎPerfect timing,í I thought, ĎI can
wash and dry outside before any direct sun hits the Bondmobile.í I
opened the garage doors and windows (man, you could really feel the heat
from the lights rush out when I did that) then I pushed her out so that
nobody would get pulled from their sleep. Pushing her out of the garage
was easy since it was going a little down hill but I really had to push
hard to get her in my wash spot. I must have pulled a back muscle or
something because it got really sore. My hands were already stiff from all
the rubbing on the interior. No problem. By now there was enough caffeine
in me to fight off tigers.
I got out my new,
custom-made hose, bucket, Zymol wash, and all those sponges and brushes. I
checked my towel stock and they were all clean, folded and ready to go. A
couple of things to note here. I work at a chemical plant and we have all
kinds of hoses there. Big hoses, small hoses and those that will contain
methylethyldeath at 200 degrees C while under 500 psi. Well, I had my hose
supplier make me an industrial strength water hose. Heavy-duty hose rated
at a 200 psi operating pressure with a tough skin. The ends are made from
machined brass and you could drive a X5 over it without a wrinkle. Cost
Ė 30 bucks.
tried them all but Iíll only use ones from one of the automotive
specialty shops. Unlike the hose, the towels are expensive but they
absolutely won't leave swirl marks. Well, at least if you use them right.
Another thing, I wash them myself and never, never, never let Girlfriendís
fabric softener get close to them! I never use them around something oily,
it might not come out.
Anyway I started
washing after another cup of coffee. It was a fresh pot Ďcause I had
finished the first one. Washing was easy. The cool outside became a bit
cold after the extreme heat inside the garage and that didnít seem to
help either my back or my tennis elbow(s). By the time I finished washing,
the sun was up and baby really was looking good even though I was a little
more than a little sore from it all.
I got all the
little hard to get to spots and really got worked up in the wheel wells. I
think I might get into the Wheel Well Hall of Fame. Plenty of rinsing with
my new hose, which I noticed, was quite a bit heavier than my last one.
The wheels were really a mess so I got after them with a passion. I had
another cup of coffee while doing the final rinse and began to think about
treating the top with Starbrite. [Note: Like the leather treatment,
Starbrite is normally only done on a Class 4 wash but what the hey, I was
on a roll.]
Drying is an art
form. Iíd like to see it made into an Olympic sport. The entire wash
process isnít worth squat without a really good drying. You canít go
slow or it will leave those little water spots but if you go too fast you
donít get a good job. I did it by the book. Start with the windows, 1st
towel gets most of the water and the 2nd towel does the finish
work. Donít mix up the towels. Iíll normally use 3 or 4 towels but
today I went through 4 before I got to the door panels and engine
compartment. While bent over to get the wheels I got a bad cramp in one of
my calves so I stopped for another coffee.
Thatís about the
time people started waking up. I caught my breath and had another cup of
coffee with them and went right back to do the engine compartment. They
all scattered here. They claim that I try to suck them into helping, then
I pick at them for not doing it the right way. Donít know why.
Anyway, the engine
area was really bad but hey, it was only 9:00, and if I finished the car,
Iíd have to fix that plumbing leak in the guest bath or something. This
way, the termites might even send me a thank you note. I used some Simple
Green on hoses and belts and even thought it was doing a good job, all
that bending over was really beginning to get to me. Not to bother, I
opened the fuse box and started to clean them with.................
Hi, this is Pat, Warrenís girlfriend. He asked me to
finish this up. He got a back cramp and sat down and couldnít get up. Itís
like all of his body is frozen or something. I helped him upstairs into
bed but he canít get to sleep because of all that coffee. Also, I really
donít understand what he is saying about the sun on the car and such.
Anyway, my daughter ran over his new ugly hose so he canít play with his
car anymore anyway.
Well, Iím off to Wal-Mart and I think Iíll take his
car (it really does look cute) even though he would never park it in one
of those parking lots. I canít imagine why. Bye Bye